As with a lot of my posts lately, I keep finding myself in the unique position of being in a transition period where I have been looking both back and forward. Looking back and reflecting on the past whirlwind of a year, and looking ahead trying to figure out what the hell I do next, since it’s pretty clear this part of the process is coming to a close and the next is beginning. In the case of what I wanted to write about this week, I am specifically thinking about the fact that one very big day is coming up this weekend that ties the looking back and looking forward together. This upcoming Sunday, Nov 18th is a very big deal for me. It’s an anniversary of sorts. It is the one year mark from when I decided that I was going to take control of things and get myself back into shape/ lose the weight for real. It’s the one year anniversary of this blog. It marks what I feel like is the conclusion of a year that has had a massive impact on my life and the lives of those close to me. In addition to all this, it also marks the date of my second Half Marathon of the year. This has been a huge goal of mine since I discovered/ registered for it, and it’s going to mean quite a bit to me. I have been working towards this now for months, “officially” since the last Half in September, and even before then, if I’m being honest. It’s the culmination of a year of training and I couldn’t be more excited/ emotional about it. Before I get all weepy just writing this, I’m going to get into my regular posting format and go from there.
First things first, a quick look at the weight. No real surprises here, but my weight is still holding steady around 205. I am happy and comfortable not only with my weight as the number, but also with my weight in terms of how I feel and where my body is. It took just about a full year for me to be able to say this honestly, but I am finally getting into a place where I am content with where I am at, comfortable in my own skin, whatever you want to call it. It was a long uphill road, but that part is now behind me and I am looking at the maintenance path from here on out. While this is still something that will take attention and effort, it’s going to be a much different type of mindset and action to maintain my current condition than it was to lose close to 125 pounds. I was not sure I would ever get to this point of “self acceptance”, and holy shit am I glad I finally did. Full disclosure: The thought/ fear that I would never be satisfied and always looking for more did play out in my head more than once. It was a concern that weighed on me many times over the past year, and I feel like I am finally at the right place in my training/experience/maturity to be genuinely accepting and happy of myself.
Ok, so looking back (or what I will call my one year anniversary prep posting). Wow, what a year this has been. A process of emotions and actions began with disgust and concern has slowly turned into motivation and commitment. All that mixed with a good amount of self doubt/ personal victories along the way. I don’t mean to overly dramatize things, but I really have run the full range this past year. It has been a year where I have been almost constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone and learning to adjust to it, then pushing again, adjusting again and so forth. I have never doubted myself more and also been more surprised about what I was able to accomplish than during this process. Looking back at everything now that I’m at the end of the year I’m extremely humbled and I feel like I have been given a gift. I recognize that I had to earn it, but I am sitting here now with a completely different perspective on a lot of things and while it was a hard road and I had to make a lot of sacrifices to get here; I AM here for better or worse. Although things are very different, I’m still at a point where the things that matter the most to me are still intact and constant. I have the confidence it takes to maintain and live the life I want to lead, I have a wide and supportive circle of friends, and I have the unconditional love of my family. Honestly, I am one very lucky guy. This process of throwing myself into the total upheaval of my diet and exercise in order to tear down all the bad habits and rebuild it all from scratch the right way has been a very long, very emotional, very educational process. I didn’t even know what I was doing until I was well into it all. I knew I was losing the weight/ getting fit, sure, but I didn’t see the “big picture” in clear focus until well after I started.
Looking forward, I have (very intentionally) not shared too much of my personal life outside of the fitness aspects, mainly because I felt like I wanted to keep things focused on the core intention of the blog and not get too scattered. But I really feel like one of the best ways to sum things up about where I feel like I am at this point in my head is by sharing a little story with you. My daughter Tessa is amazing. She is one half of the two women that are the light of my life and source of all of my strength and drive. She and my wife Jenn are my whole world. I have one very special time once a day (night, actually) with Tessa where I rock her to sleep every night. It’s the same ritual every night, we follow the same motions and it’s at that time where I just allow myself to get lost in the moment and appreciate everything I really have. It’s also one hell of a way to reign things in and put everything in perspective. No matter how good or bad a day was; rocking there in her room makes me realize what’s really important. To that point, every night when I rock her I sing to her as well as she falls asleep. It’s the same set of songs each night, and I know she has come to know them just like I do. It’s a collection of some of my very favorites. She is oftentimes asleep before I am done singing them, but I still finish them out anyway. The two that I know she hears all the way through however are the ones I want to focus on and are the point of my story here. The first thing I sing to her every night is Three Little Birds from Bob Marley. Hands down my favorite song of all time and I honestly can’t think of a better message for her than: “Don’t worry about a thing, because every little thing gonna be alright”. The second is a lesser known song from an even lesser known singer. The song is: Waiting For My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay. If you look it up or check it out (which I highly recommend because it’s an amazing, beautiful song), his voice may sound vaguely familiar. The reason for this is it’s the old lead singer of the 80’s band Men at Work. (Overkill, Land Down Under, Who Can It Be Now, etc, etc.) It’s basically a song by someone who, (just like the name implies) is waiting for better things to happen and is holding onto what he thought was former glory while someone close to him urges him to embrace the moment and appreciate what he has now. I love it because it reminds me of myself just before Tess was born.(and in turn the differences between then and now. It also reminds me to not get too caught up in comparing the now vs. the what once was). And in the same vein it’s also my reminder to keep planning bigger and better things for myself and my family in the future.
Now I readily admit I have always been “the dreamer”, you know that person who is always looking for what’s bigger and better, never really satisfied or content with what I have in a lot of aspects in my life and myself. My family has always been a rock for me, but career, hobbies, etc have a lot of times had the undertones of “there’s got to be more out there” or “what else can I do?” for me. And yet again, here I am. In a point of what feels like a major transition: Just like I sing to Tess every night, I’m” Waiting For My Real Life To Begin”. I’m looking at the past year as a means to get to an end, and now that I am here its time to turn my focus towards moving forward and letting this entire year become part of my past and embracing the new reality that is be my “now” and future.
I’m looking at the past year and realizing that it’s ending, and getting ready to leave that and appreciate what I have in the now. Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but at least I’m putting it out there and getting ready to move on. Just as always, I’m going to just get going and feel my way through it.
Since I am putting things out there, I know I would be remiss if I did not thank the people out there who are reading this (exceptionally long post), and all my posts during the past year for that matter. It has helped me more than I can explain to have an outlet in which to put all this out there, and keep me honest and accountable throughout everything.
Thanks again for reading this, and I will talk to you all soon.
Until then, as always, Take it Easy.